Struggling today..

I would like to have been able to say I am doing OK and calm and at peace but the truth is yesterday and today I am really struggling. It's not that I wanted to be at the funeral, it's just that now it is final and that just breaks my heart, I really just want my big brother back and am so sad today. It's hard watching everyone go about their normal life - of course for me this is all consuming and I can't see what else could be of any importance to anyone. I feel sort of angry about the insignificance of everything else. Roly would want to give me a quick slap and tell me to get on with it, but there's tomorrow for that.

Last night I scrapped though - just a page about Josh with a photo I loved from Healesville Sanctuary.

I'm going to take a few days to just do not very much of any importance. I think that will be good for me. Night lovelies. Sorry this is not a happy place to be today but if you are reading you care about me, so will be OK with that.

Claire xx

Thankyou so much ....

I have been so comforted by the words and flowers and visits from my dear friends and family. Thankyou so much. Don't be afraid to talk to me about Roly in the weeks and months to come. It helps me and you know how I love to talk... I will still be at the Scraptacular weekend away next weekend. Maybe a little more reflective and subdued, but it will be wonderful to be among friends and have the opportunity to scrap some pages about my brother.

Tonight Brooke called in with some beautiful flowers and while she was here (getting ambushed by the boys) I received some more lovely flowers from Jodie and many of my lovely friends at Scraptacular. Thankyou they are so beautiful and everyone that has left comments and emailed or called me has helped me more than you can imagine.

Roly was remembered by one of the radio stations in Perth today - 6PR. He was a regular guest on the show talking about road safety and various things he was passionate about. I had emailed the guy he often spoke to, Howard Sattler to let him know of Roly's death, and they wanted to interview me and do an on air tribute to Roly. I was so honoured. It was a lovely tribute and they even read out the poem I posted on my blog yesterday. He would be rapt he is still getting on the radio even after he's gone! They have emailed me a digital file of the tribute which is very cool to have :)

Please think of our family tomorrow at 9.45am Perth time as they farewell Roly in Perth. My Mum is so heartbroken, you should never have to bury your own child. I love you Mum and we will all be here for you and each other in the weeks and months and years to come. You should be so proud of the family values your parenting has created. We are so close and always there for each other. That's because of you and Dad xx

Our goodbye party for Roly ....

Today has been a special day. It's the 22nd and that was Roly's favourite number, so we chose to say goodbye to him in our own way today. Josh and I went to the party shop and we picked out the most beautiful balloons we could find - butterfly's, tigers, happy faces, dinosaurs, pooh bear etc and had them filled with helium. We then collected Paul and Samuel and drove down to Lilydale Lake and walked around until we found a peaceful happy place that we could always go to play and remember Roly.

We each chose a special balloon and let it go into the sky while we said our goodbyes and waved to Roly and Pop looking down at us.

It was beautiful and I know it is just the sort of happy goodbye he would have wanted from me and the boys. We then came home and had a little party for Roly, with party pies and hot dogs and lemonade (all chosen by Josh of course!).

I feel very much at peace with our decision to not go to his funeral which is in Perth tomorrow morning. I had talked to him a lot about spiritual things after my dad passed away and I know we share a strong belief about the afterlife, and I sense he is there looking down on us and smiling. This morning we all did stamps of our handprints and the boys and I did this little drawing which we have emailed to my sister to put into his coffin tomorrow. My closest friend in Perth Chris, is also going to attend the funeral and take some flowers for us. Chris knew Roly from his ratbag days, so she is very chuffed to be able to do this for us.

Thank goodness I am scrapbooker. I have so many beautiful pictures of him and so much information about his life that will help me come to terms with the physical loss and preserve his memory, beliefs and life lessons for the boys.

I have been so touched by the messages, the emails and the phone calls from my friends. It has helped me a lot to know how much you care. Thankyou.

Claire xx

One in a million ....

Do not stand on my grave and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on the snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you walk in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circle flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night,
Do not stand on my grave and cry,
I am not there ..... I did not die.

("Throughout the years, this poem has appeared in many places and in many forms. The original was written in 1942 by Baltimorean Mary Frye on the back of a brown paper bag. Frye wrote the poem for a friend whose mother had died in Germany; the daughter had been unable to attend the funeral because of World War II.")

We will love you forever Roly xx

In loving memory.....

of my big brother Roly who passed away suddenly this afternoon in Perth. I loved him deeply and will miss his wise words and his love and support so much. I take some relief that my dad was there to greet him and that he is in a better place. Here's two of my favourite layouts of us together,

Rest in peace now Roly, the world was a better place because you were in it.

Claire xx